THE DEENA SHOW

Ego.

2012-03-11T21:11:00.002-06:00

Seven Steps for Overcoming Ego by Dr. Wayne Dyer

1-Stop being offended
2-Let go of your need to win
3-Let go of your need to be right
4-Let go of your need to be superior
5-Let go of your need to have more
6-Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements
7-Let go of your reputation

Link to full article, read the paragraph of each of the above:
http://indigolifecenter.wordpress.com/2008/03/01/seven-steps-for-overcoming-ego/

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"Osho on Bliss, Be egoless and all the grace of God is yours "

One can get bliss only if one deserves it, if one is worthy. and the way to deserve it is to disappear, not to be. To be is a hindrance.

The ego is the root of all misery. When the ego is not, from every nook and corner of existence bliss starts reaching you as if it were just waiting for the ego to disappear. Ego is a closed state of consciousness: all window, doors, are closed. You are living almost insulated, encapsulated; ego surrounds you like a capsule. Ego is like the egg: there is not even a small window to allow anything to enter. Ego is very much afraid; out of fear it closes itself, it shrinks into itself. That is how we create misery. Bliss is to be in the flow with existence, to be totally with it.

Ego is like frozen ice and egolessness is melted ice. Then you become part of the ocean. Then you don’t have any private goal, you have no destination. Then each moment is so blissful, so incredibly ecstatic, that the mind cannot comprehend it, cannot conceive it. Mind is part of the ego. It knows how to close, it does not know how to open up.

To be a sannyasin means that now your whole effort will be to open up to existence — to the flowers and to the bees and to the stars; how to open to this beautiful music that fills the whole of existence; how to open to this beautiful music that fills the whole of existence; how to open up to this celebration that goes on and on — flowers dancing in the wind and trees enjoying the wind and the stars, always in a state of bliss. Except for man everything is in harmony. Man falls out harmony because he has consciousness.

Consciousness can do two things: it can create ego, it can create egolessness. If it creates ego you live in hell, if it creates egolessness you are in paradise. The whole world is in paradise without knowing it. When man enter paradise he will be entering with full knowing. That is the grandeur, the beauty of man — and that is the danger also, because out of thousands of people only once in a while does a person enter; others simply go on falling into the trap of the ego. Be egoless and all the grace of God is yours. Bliss is by the grace of god.

Source: Osho Book “Scriptures in Silence and Sermons in Stones”

http://www.oshoquotes.net/2011/06/osho-on-bliss-be-egoless-and-all-the-grace-of-god-is-yours/

Sylvia, still.

2012-03-06T12:56:00.006-07:00

Designer: Krista Nielson
Photographer: Todd Collins
Hair: Tyrel Knight
MUA: Karl Geiger
Model: Deena Marie Manzanares
2/2012

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Still currently fueled, comforted and inspired by Sylvia...

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig in the story.

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I should choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

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“When they asked me what I wanted to be I said I didn’t know.
"Oh, sure you know," the photographer said.
"She wants," said Jay Cee wittily, "to be everything.”

-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

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I think in poetic terms and from time to time I come into contact with a new muse that wakes up my true self and it's musical, it's guttural, I am literally gutted open and what wants to come out but doesn't know how is released...I sometimes feel stuck and stifled. I am afflicted by wanderlust. I am full of it. I am so full that I am sometimes completely suffocated by wanderlust. My entire being fills with the smoke of it and I am suffocated from the insides.

When things have become real, that's when the heart bottoms out and it is sometimes good and it is sometimes bad.

Life begins with acceptance. Acceptance of what is and what isn't. Everything is connected. We are all one. Synchronicity. Accept and allow. The dark and the light.

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

"Never Not Broken"

2012-02-27T18:02:00.006-07:00

I keep thinking about this beautiful article I came across on a friends facebook page a couple of weeks ago.

I'm telling you.

If you start to sharpen your focus, tune in and take note of the synchronicity around you...you'll feel the world is tailored just for you.

It's easier felt than said.

Anyway, I learned about Akhilandeshvari just when I needed to.

"Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing."

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

My Poetry Collection

2012-02-12T17:39:00.002-07:00

A few years ago, I uploaded all of my poems to a blogspot account. I have tried in vain for quite sometime to log in and I just can't do it. I've had way too many email accounts in my life. :)

So. I've put them all in a new place. Still a blogspot but this time I won't forget my log in and I can add to it as I go!

My poetry collection now lives at: http://poetrybydeenamarie.blogspot.com/

Thanks for reading! :)

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

What's on your reading list?

2012-02-11T12:33:00.008-07:00

Do you read one book at a time?
I've always got a stack of a few on my beside table.

Do you have a kindle?
I might have to give in one of these days, but for now I can't give up the feel of an actual book.
I usually just order from Amazon but if it's something I need asap I'll go to the closest Barnes & Noble.

There's something about a bookstore, isn't there? So peaceful.
You can concentrate. You can take your time. You can even get things done in a bookstore you can't elsewhere.

What are you currently reading?
Do you discover an author and then read everything they've written one after another, or do you bounce around?
Who are some of your favorites?

My current reading list (as in I'm in various states of almost done & just started):

I'm currently obsessed with Sylvia. I have a few favorite authors that, well, have changed my life with their words. But Sylvia. It's on another level. I've never felt so connected to someone else's words so personally. She truly describes things the way I see, think and feel them. It's jarring, it's wonderful and emotional for me to read her.

I met Arden Leigh in school in NYC. She is probably one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen in real life. She just wrote her first book and I was so excited to see what it was all about since I'm a huge fan of her blog. Look her up. Read her stuff. Learn from her. What a wise and strong woman!

I saw this author on "The Talk" and found her and the way she described this book absolutely fascinating. I think all women, and actually men too should read this, no matter what stage of a relationship you're in or hope to be in in the future.

I saw the movie first and decided I needed to read the novel. Better late than never.

This one I've had for years and haven't gotten around to reading. I know, I know. But I figure with a book like this, you'll crack it open at just the time you're truly ready for what it has to teach you.

Tweet me:

@DeenaMarie

Sylvia Plath...

2012-02-09T09:11:00.006-07:00

Ever read something that took the words right out of your mouth?

Or more, nearly knocked the wind out of you because you felt like you wrote those very words in another life?

Yeah. Me too.

END of "My New York Diaries"...what would you like next?

2012-02-08T18:48:00.007-07:00

That's a wrap! 8 months and 40 posts later...yesterday I finished "My New York Diaries". I celebrated with a bottle of my favorite champagne. I felt both emotional, relieved and satisfied.

Thank you to those who have been following and have let me know that you've been following.

What project should I take on next? I have early diaries...I could start something from my high school days.

Or I could do a series on my "beauty tips/secrets" :)

Of course I'll also be doing regular updates along the way.

So what would you like to see/read next? Let me know! Comment here, Facebook me, tweet me, etc.

xo

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Links to all entries in my NYC Diaries project:

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html
Part 39: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-39.html
Part 40: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

My New York Diaries - Part 40 FINAL ENTRY

2012-02-07T14:20:00.012-07:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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FINAL ENTRY

Well here we are. Nearly half a year and forty posts, I've told my story. Some of it feels like yesterday and the rest I can barely remember. It was quite an experience to re-read and often relive the words I wrote so long ago. Trust me when I say I'm aware that these are just the barest of bones in my hopes to someday write an actual book. But at least it's out and it's begun.

Perhaps you're wondering what happened next. I'll tell you, in a nutshell. I rushed straight to Los Angeles and into the arms of the Old Flame. He moved back to Utah soon after. We jumped into a relationship quickly and spent the next couple of years in a very tumultuous on again off again relationships. We lived together for a year of that time and even got engaged. We'd set a wedding date and break up. It was a strange and [not physically] abusive cycle.

One day, I decided it was time for me to move back to New York. It happened quickly. I found a room and off I went. I went into the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School and was thrilled to see I was just in time for the auditions for the annual children's musical put on at the actual Atlantic Theater Company. I was dying to do this since I had studied there. The audition went great and within just a few days of being back I had a gig. I got a job in a high end clothing boutique and spent my time at work and at rehearsal.

I hadn't been there for long when I got in touch with The Guy. I don't know how it happened. I must have let him know I was coming back. One night we made plans to meet up for drinks. I left my current place in the Bronx and headed downtown a little early. I was enjoying being back and didn't mind hanging out and walking around some old haunts until he got off work. I got off the subway and took a seat in Union Square for awhile, soaking it all back in. Suddenly in front of me was Ned, the cute red head boy who was also an ATC alumni. What did I tell you time and time again about New York (and the world) being small? I was happy to see him and told him I was there waiting to meet up with The Guy.

It got later. And later. I waited until I didn't want to wait any more. I decided to go home instead of once again waiting on The Guy. Those days were done, right? I figured he'd probably call when I was in the subway and I think he did. We never met up.

The Old Flame soon came out to live with me in my little room I was renting. My parents saw how toxic we were and so I didn't tell them he was coming. He got a job at a restaurant and there were some fun times together in NYC but mostly...there weren't.

I loved doing the kids show at ATC. I loved the funny roles I got to play, the songs I got to sing, the people I met and the fact I was on that stage. It was fantastic.

My aunt Adrianna came out for a visit again and I didn't tell her the Old Flame was there, either. Then one day there the Old Flame and I are walking down the street near columbus circle and practically bump into Adrianna. Smallest. World. Ever. My secret was out then.

The Old Flame soon was up to his old tricks. Not telling me the truth, drinking too much and becoming mean and belligerent. The only good thing that really came out of this was that he met a friend at work, Will, who was a lot of fun and I liked immediately. It turned out that long after the Old Flame was out of the picture Will and I would remain friends and both times I went to NYC just this last year I got to see him. He is one of my first two calls that go out to those there I want to see.

My living situation was less than ideal. My roommates didn't want the Old Flame there, they were very strict. It was a family that rented out three rooms upstairs. One of the roommates we did really like and get along with, though. The Old Flame cooked the three of us a big Thanksgiving dinner and it was actually kind of fun and cozy.

I was taking a couple of classes at Juilliard. Sitting in class overlooking Lincoln Center was magical. The fact that I was actually there was never lost on me. I was able to have internet access there. My mom had just let me know there were soon going to be auditions for "Jesus Christ Superstar" back home. At the time that was a show that was on my dream list and rarely done. I knew I had to audition. I would hop on the computer and email with the director to let her know I was interested, although in NYC. She gave me a callback and let me skip auditions.

Things seemed to be in a jumble at the time, but actually they were all strangely falling into place. It was apparent our living situation was not going to last. The Old Flame went to an audition for a children's tour and booked it. He'd be leaving, I wanted to do "Superstar" and we were both over living in a tiny room together under the rules of a crazy family.

I did the show, The Old Flame was out of town and when he came back that was that. I agreed to be friends for a little while but when I found out he had not only cheated on me with his tour partner the entire time but had stolen the furniture MY parents loaned us that we had in a storage I was paying on, that was that.

He still tried to reach me a few times and I never responded. This time, it was me who realized at the end that this wasn't love.

Life is so funny. Everything is happening for a reason. Exactly as it should. Believe me when I tell you I know this to be true. Suddenly I was in Utah, again. Making sure everyone knew I was leaving for New York again as soon as the show was done. But then I booked another show. Okay. As soon as the second show was done. But then I'd begun to date the musical director of "Superstar". This was the one time I had said I was done. Done with guys. I was absolutely not going to be looking for anything. No boyfriend, no relationship. This one both snuck up on and surprised me. Big time. It was, and he was, completely different than anything I'd ever experienced. The first time we went for drinks I heard a little voice say, "what if this is the guy you marry?" I pushed it aside and took everything in stride. It started casually. Easily. This guy had it together. This guy was a good guy. I'd never experienced this before. What I learned, is that after you're done with The Guys and The Old Flames, comes The Love. Yup. He turned out to be My Love.

I went on a quick trip to NYC with my mom right after I'd begun seeing My Love. Adrianna and her husband had a hotel and a show booked but suddenly couldn't go. So we went. I decided to do a couple of auditions while I was there. I was sitting in the green room at my old school once again waiting for my audition when who should walk past the door, do a double take and come in? The Guy. I hardly remember what was said but we said we should get a drink while I was here. He called later while I was walking down the street with my mom and I still felt nervous to take the call. I think it was more nervous from the old turmoil more than anything else. He was going to text later when he got off work. I felt a little uneasy about meeting him, but I figured I would. But then...it was getting late. And later. And you know what? I decided I wasn't going to wait all night to run out to meet him. How many times did I need to learn this lesson? And that was it. That was the last time. When I got the text far too late asking where I was, I didn't even respond. I went to bed.

Over the years so much has changed. Three years ago in the summer I was in NYC for a YouTube gathering and I was excited to head to Chelsea and look at school. I'd heard they were moving to a new building just an avenue over, but I guess I didn't realize that meant the building I'd spent my time in, had my adventures in, made all my memories in would be gone. Imagine my surprise as I walked down to find a brick wall where the door had been. What? No! I was instantly choked up. I was brokenhearted. How had all of that happened just on the other side of the wall and now nobody will ever know? So much went on there that shaped me forever and now...it was gone. It was the strangest feeling. I saw the door to the new building but decided not to go in. Why? For what? That wasn't the ATC that I knew.

Last year I went to NYC twice. The next time I went down that street that wall was now a new apartment building. Wow.

In my move home the second time, I'd left behind boxes that for some reason never got mailed to me. In those included scripts from school and a huge binder full of notes and work.

Now it was like nothing was left. It's like it was all wiped away and left me with little tangible reminders.

How would anyone know now? How would I show them what made me...me? That's when I knew I'd just have to tell it.

It's crazy to see where everyone ended up. For the most part my classmates all went on to different jobs or started families and moved back to where they were from, or at least out of NYC.

Life. Life is so unexpected.

Maybe you're wondering what became of The Guy? He is still acting. He is also married! In fact, he married a girl he met right after we broke up! Of course I always pictured that if that had happened for him, it would be someone dark and mysterious like the girls he always said he found so attractive. I expected to see Megan Fox or Dita Von Teese on his arm. But no. Quite the opposite. They live in Louisiana. It took me years to reconcile and recover from the hurt of those words, "I don't love you." But now I smile at the way it all worked out. And I forgive him. And I forgive me.

His brother Sean is newly married and it looks like he's also working steadily as an actor.

I have seen Jenny a couple of times. She's back in California. I stayed with her for a few days a couple of summers ago. While it becomes more obvious all the time that life has pulled us in very different directions and there is little common ground, we'll always have an unbreakable bond and a great love for each other no matter what happens or how much time goes by.

Oscar I haven't seen in years but we've recently connected online and write an occasional hello. He no longer lives in NYC. He is in a relationship and has been working on a documentary about our favorite subject...New York!

Lynne. Lynne is still in NYC and working as a makeup artist. I found her online a few years ago and wrote her immediately telling her I don't even know what happened between us so long ago but I hated how it ended and that I'll always love her. She said she felt the same. We exchanged a few messages, but really haven't kept in touch. I'd still really love to see her sometime.

The teacher who once said to me, "you're so extreme, Deena" was also the teacher that shut the door in mine and Lynne's faces and his is a face I see on just about every other commercial.

Brayden, that guy I looked up to that seemed so cool, so New York that took me under his wing in my first year of school recently found me online. He lives in Alaska and is acting, directing and has a beautiful family. I was thrilled to hear from him.

I could go on forever with all the people I mentioned through the last 39 posts, but it doesn't matter. You get the idea .

As far as what I learned with how to behave in relationships, what I need and what I should and should not do / tolerate...well that's another book! When My Love reads these blogs he is supportive, enjoys them and it's fun to see his eyes get huge when he tells me, "that is so not you! I don't even know who that is! You would never do that!" And it's true. That's the hard and sad and fun and amazing thing about life. We are different people all the time. Every few years. We only become our true selves by what we experience. By the hurt we endure, the adventures we have, the people we meet, the heartbreak we survive. By learning what works for us and what doesn't...and more importantly why.

I don't regret a single moment wasted in NYC. With The Guy. With The Old Flame. It has molded me into the strongest, most confident, happiest me yet. I only wish I could tell young girls (and guys) not to pin all your hopes and dreams onto another person. Do not depend on someone else for your happiness. Don't put your career, your hobbies on the back burner because you're too caught up with a crush. Don't put yourself second and don't live for them. And don't stay in a situation where you're not getting what you want from the other person. Know your deal breakers and don't be afraid to walk away. Everyone deserves to be happy. I never thought, like so many young people do, that something was wrong with me or that I was unloveable. That's what I want to get across, too. Nothing is wrong with anyone. It's all about the combination of two people. Sometimes you're not you at your best because you're not with the right person for you. It's all about what two people can bring out in one another. Like who you are with the other person. And there are so so so many people out there for you to meet. Experience. Don't try to make one be what they simply can't. It really is easy. When it's right, it's easy. When it's right it's not a struggle. Nothing is forced. Nobody tries to love anyone. Nobody has to fight about marriage. When you meet the right person, for you, it all falls into place. And there is no way to make it happen before the universe decides it's your time.

Simple as that.

As simple and as unknown as that. A reminder that life is big and us humans are resilient and we really can do anything.

And there you have it. A little snippet of my life that feels both like the biggest and smallest and best and worst time all in one. A time when a little girl who moved across the country and experienced a new city and people and school and career and love and loss and all sorts of things in between.

Thanks for reading.

Deena Marie

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html
Part 39: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-39.html

My New York Diaries - Part 39

2012-02-06T16:33:00.003-07:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Despite the stressful state of my current situation, there was one night when I went out with Jenny sans The Guy and had one of my favorite New York Night. She was now dating a new and much younger guy, Josh who lived in Long Island. He was in a band and was playing at a bar there. Neither of us had ever been to Long Island and she invited me to go and hear them play. We took a train and found this bar and went back into the city afterward with him and a friend of his. I wasn't attracted to him, but his friend liked me. We ended up at a restaurant/bar that I'd always wanted to get into, but unlike so many other places I'd been in the city, this one carded. Finally I was of age and could go. It was everything I hoped. And this guy bought me vodka tonics and dinner. He was really nice and considerate and gentlemanly. It was a very different experience from being out with The Guy. Later, he told Jenny if I ever broke up with my boyfriend that he wanted to date me. It seemed like this little glimpse of a different, nice kind of guy happened at just the right time.

June 30

"Friday night, or rather all through the wee hours of saturday The Guy and I were breaking up. Horribly. Dramatically. Maybe not. But definitely painfully. I don't know what happened! Something went horribly wrong. I t seems like it was a big mistake, and this being said by someone who doesn't believe in accidents. We started out alright. I talked him into going out, I was completely stoked to be going on a "date" with him, which we hadn't done since before we went out of town! We met at Virgin. I got all decked out. So excited. We met and he seemed a little tired. We went somewhere in the east village. Four cosmos. Vodka tonics and scotch for him. I wanted to talk. Just talk. I don't know when or how it turned bad. I remember talking a lot about exes. I was asking lots of questions...

...[he tells me regarding the Ex Girlfriend] that yes, he loved her. Yes he WANTED to marry her. Well of course he must have at the time. But for whatever reason I hear it now and flip my lid. It's The Guy effect. I've never been under anyone's spell like this. So, like I say, I've had "the three magical words on my mind" so I ask, "how many times have you been in love?" Moment of truth. "Two". I ask who. "New Name and Ex Girlfriend". Who?!

...I was really drunk and he was even worse. I don't know what else went on but I started to cry and he was saying we needed to go and I said I didn't want to talk about exes and for him to say something good about us. He wouldn't, so I clung to him, crying all the way home begging him to "tell me something, anything about us". He would say either, "what do you want me to say?" Or nothing at all...

...we're in the doorway next thing I know. I won't go in the house. He's holding onto the doorknob for dear life. He falls completely on his ass at some point and we end up inside. Ty is on the couch "not noticing what's going on" and I feel bad this is happening in front of him...

...[we were now in our bedroom] I don't know what was said but what I remember was him telling me we were not going to be together in September. I was crying and telling him all I wasted was to be with him in September...

...At some point it came out of my mouth, "all or nothing". I didn't realize I'd said it until he repeated it back. Then something was said about how this must be it...

...more, lots more was said. He said I'm miserable with him. There are too many tears. That I'm not ready to live with him...

...here it is - he really WANTED to fall in love with me. He TRIED. BUT. "I don't. I don't love you." I asked, "how do you feel towards me?" He said, "fatherly"...

...why doesn't he want someone who was so willing to stick by him? Didn't he like having someone to go to bed with and wake up with? He said the day on the couch when I was saying a decision had to be made about September that he knew THEN it wasn't going to happen...

...He says we couldn't life together because he's just not ready to get married. ?! I said, "I have never said anything to you about marriage! When did I ever say that word to you?"

...I remember saying I hope he knew what he was losing, what he was letting get up and walk out on him tomorrow. He said, "I do. You have no idea. You'll never know." I think he tried to reach for me, say something as I got up and went into the bathroom. I came back and he was gone. I put on my pajamas and found him in jeans sitting in the kitchen looking very angry. I remember him telling me to, "go to bed. I won't bother you." I don't remember what I was saying. At one point I went over to him and tried to reach out to him. I wanted to hug him. "The Guy..." I said. "What?!" I said, "it doesn't have to end so cold." Then we're in the living room and he looks so mad. He's telling me I'm scaring him. I tell him that's a horrible thing to say. And why? "You just are. Go to bed." He was getting madder and madder and kept telling me how mad he was getting and almost WARNING me to go to ged, or else. This sick part of me wanted to provoke him, to see how mad he'd get. I couldn't accept it and I thought if he'd do something physical, break something, come for me, that would make it real and would all be his fault. He could be in big trouble. But it didn't happen. Thank god. I went to bed. In the kitchen he told me he was no good for me, I needed someone to take care of me...

...I said I didn't believe him when he says he doesn't need people, affection. He said very rudely, "well you better start trying." I told him he's scared to let people get close to him. He kept asking me why I liked him. I don't know what I said. I said for so many reasons and something about how I'm used to people fawning on me and that frustrated me [that he didn't] but I also liked that challenge. I went on to say how I just liked him from the minute I saw him. Before we ever talked. I asked him later, "do you want to know when I first SAW you?" His answer, "No". I asked why and he said, "because I choose not to." Also, at the bar I remember after the exes talk he said something about how SHE "might have to be a pieces ." [as in the one he ends up with] That, I think is what set it off. Him telling me he knew his mate was out there somewhere [and wasn't me]. There was also a weird moment at the bar when he looked out the window and had this big smile on his face. He though he'd recognized "Girl from London". Of course I got suspicious and wondered what that big smile meant. Anyway, back to the story. We're in the kitchen, he said it was all him, "there's nobody else". So now I go to bed. When I wake up I hope he was so drunk he doesn't remember a thing.

[Next morning] I get up. He's still asleep. I fall asleep for awhile. I go get the phone. Call Jenny. My mom. My dad. They [parents] immediately start looking into getting my ticket home. My dad says he wants me out of there as soon as possible. I had told The Guy the night before that this meant I needed to go back to Utah. He said that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, to go back because of him. I said all my family and friends were there. He said, "then go to Utah", in a much nicer do-what-you-need-to-do tone.

So now it's morning.

I sit on the couch. We don't' talk. He falls asleep. I send out emails to my Utahns. I go back out. Ty's alarm keeps going off. I want us to talk before Ty gets up. The first thing he says is, "what's going on?" I don't know what to say. I ask if he remembered everything that happened. YES. If it feels unexpected. YES. What would've happened if we'd never moved in together? "We would have continued the old way." And then what? "I don't know." Was it our moving in together that ruined it? "Yes. We weren't ready." I asked, "what made you know it was over?" Long pause. "I don't understand the question." That was a moment of impact. I realized right then how we, how MUCH we do NOT speak the same language. I wanted to reply, "and you never did." I shut my eyes. Two tears trickled down. Some point in the night before I was saying doesn't he think it's worth saving and he said, "you said it was all or nothing. Stick to your guns. It's nothing. I'm nothing because I can't be all." I said I felt like I ruined everything. He said I didn't, WE ruined it. I felt if I sat on that couch any longer I'd just ask why, why, why. He couldn't say anything at that point to give closure or make me feel any better. I would only end up groveling and begging to give me another chance. I had to leave with the little shred of dignity I had left. So I said, "I'll try to get all my stuff out today. Jenny is coming over and I'll stay with her tonight. I have a flight home tomorrow night" and got up and went into the bedroom. He didn't come around or talk to me all day and vice versa...

..he said, "I'm sorry. I wish I could convey how sorry I am." He said it in a snappy tone. Something we've talked about before when it comes to his acting. He has such a hard time being lovey, soft, etc. He asked how I was getting my stuff out. "Josh has a car." He asked, "Jenny's boyfriend?" Yeah. Weird moment. He was telling me to take my time, however long I needed, there was no rush. I said Jenny would be back to get my stuff. When he was about to leave for work I went out there. "You're not going to be here when I get back, are you?" No. We hugged for a long time. "I'm sorry, Deena. I'm so fucking sorry! You're not going to be in Utah for long, are you?" I don't know. "Well you shouldn't. You'll burn. You'll turn into coal." We hugged again. He kissed me on the forehead. "It's not you, it's me. You're right. I can't let anyone get close to me. I'll see you soon." He said to give it some time and keep in touch. He also said how he was "twenty five and I don't' know anything and that scares the shit out of me." That I live my life in black and white and his is grey. He doesn't know what will happen one minute to the next and I plan. He walked out, looking back one last time. Us at opposite ends of the hallway. IT'S OVER. I knew I needed to leave the sooner the better...

...I spent the day alone in the apartment...

...did The Guy once have it in him to be the sweet boyfriend? Why did I just never trust him? Had he fucked around on me?

...was he a cheater? Whey did I make it my mission to piece together clues on all the exes? To find out all I could, I guess...

...spent the next few hours on the couch talking to my mom. Head pounding. Not even able to move. I felt completely deflated. I had no life in me. I couldn't stand. I knew I'd be so unsteady. I couldn't even trust my own two feet to support me...

...I stifled me. I molded me to try to fit into his world. I'm glad I jumped in. I hope I always fucking jump in...

...I dont' have to consume myself with The Guy anymore. The questions 24/7...

...I laughed and talked all night at Jenny's and got through my first night alone without even knowing it..."

It's funny what you still remember all these years later. I can still see my pink pajamas and remember what it felt like to wear them. I can still see us standing at opposite ends of the hall and wondering what kind of last impression I was possibly supposed to leave him with. I think I tried to smile and waved. I was aware of the drama of that moment, the moment before he walked out that door and that was the end.

I remember laying on that couch all day and literally feeling...no, knowing I was going to die. I was sure of it. There was no way I'd ever survive this. I would honestly never get off the couch and I'd be found dead of a broken heart.

Jenny. My sweet Jenny once again rescued me on the breakup night. I packed what I needed to and put the rest aside. I had a shot or two of vodka and soon she was there to help me get my things. As we passed the kitchen for the last time, she saw my headshot on what we jokingly called the "headshot wall". She tore my picture down and I put it right back up, telling her I wanted them to have the reminder. And we were out. I sat in the backseat as Josh drove us to Queens. At Jenny's I vaguely remember drinking screwdrivers and talking to her roommates. They'd all be out of the apartment early in the morning and I'd have it to myself as I got ready and left New York City. This meant a goodbye to my Jenny, too. But we saw it more like a see you soon rather than an end.

I can't really describe how I felt the next morning. But I got up and took plenty of time getting ready. It was important to me to look my best despite how shitty I felt on the inside. I felt both strong and defeated. I played some of my favorite mellow music and went to the airport early. I was in no mood and I remember snapping at a guy who helped me with my bag when I didn't want him to and wouldn't leave my side until I tipped him. I couldn't get home fast enough.

And that's where this chapter of my life closes. I don't remember the flight home, being picked up from the airport, what my parents or friends said that night or in the next few days that followed. I do remember I had a heavy bag that was hitting my thigh as I made my way through the airport and while it hurt, I only had myself to rely on to carry all this luggage so I pulled through. It left a huge bruise. One of the biggest and darkest I've ever had. There are photos of me laying on my moms couch soon after coming back to Utah. The look in my eyes is one of someone who's just been through a lot, and the huge bruise is showing too. I look at those pictures and cringe. I can still [almost] feel the hurt. I just want that poor girl to have a hug and to know that everything turned out just fine...

At the end of school when we wrote our own short plays and my class heard the poem in mine, Kim said it reminded her of a poem she knew and she brought it to me a couple of days later. This poem turned out to mean a lot to me at this time and my next journal entry after the breakup is the poem, and the poem alone.

"After Awhile"

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After awhile to learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn they you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn

*Next post is the LAST POST!

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html

My New York Diaries - Part 38

2012-02-05T17:40:00.003-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 37

2012-02-04T15:11:00.009-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 36

2012-02-03T14:23:00.007-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 35

2012-02-02T16:31:00.004-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 34

2012-02-01T13:53:00.009-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 33

2012-01-30T11:56:00.007-07:00

My New York Diaries - Part 32

2012-01-29T16:44:00.004-07:00

"Good Things Utah" appearance

2012-01-21T10:52:00.002-07:00

On thursday I went on a local morning TV show, "Good Things Utah" I may be back on...you just never know! ;)

Here's the interview:

http://www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/featured_on/story/Deena-Marie/CxeFmqihYkC7kvnS9eEXIA.cspx

Lana Del Rey

2012-01-10T12:05:00.006-07:00

The other day I saw that my friend Billy had posted a video on facebook. I rarely watch videos people post, so I don't know why I clicked on it (if I do click on one, I almost never make it past the first 10 seconds).

When I started "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey I was instantly in love. Her voice, the words, her look, the video. Oh my god. My new favorite. I've listened to it now more times than I can count, as well as all of her other songs that are online.

Her debut album comes out later this month.

Her music is so heartbreaking to me. So visceral. I can't get enough, it hurts so good.

"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why"

I'm baaaaack! Poetry writing me.

2012-01-05T10:47:00.004-07:00

I used to write poetry like crazy. I have a large collection I'm very proud of and I WILL have them published somehow, someday. Over the years as life settled into routine and work and normalcy my poetry well dried up and went away. I missed it, but I couldn't force it. I thought it was something I would never need or be able to do again, even though I longed for it. But the last year and few months especially makes me think something is stirring in me once again. I have come into contact with new muses and new experiences and as I'm processing, I feel words bubbling.

I feel myself begin to need this once again. I think this is the year for some new...stuff.

I can only hope it will be as good as it once was.

My poetry collection:
http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/

Love letters, submitted anonymously that really inspired me when I discovered this site last night.
http://collectiveexperience.org/love/sugar/letter.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

2011 Year in Review

2011-12-31T10:13:00.020-07:00

Another year has gone! I'm going to break this one into two parts, career and personal.

CAREER
The beginning of 2011 was "The Persian Quarter". This one ended up being quite the journey for me. It was one of my favorite theatrical experiences and it will be hard to top the place this one has in my heart. It began with a staged reading the year before, to the world premiere at Salt Lake Acting Company to being asked if I'd be interested in auditioning for the next production at Merrimack Rep. I found myself in New York at the callback this summer, and while that would be the end of my journey, I loved, appreciated and learned from every moment of all of it.

I was in a national magazine, and got to see it on opening day of "The Persian Quarter". How cool was that timing?

I modeled for Black Chandelier quite a bit this year, including a photo shoot for the website, a shoot to promote a runway show that took place in the summer, walking in the runway show in body paint and little else, and then a rooftop photo shoot with mannequins, boys, swords and daggers. It doesn't get cooler than that, people!

I modeled for OpieFoto (boudior) for the second time, this time it included a promo video that turned out beautifully.
http://opiefoto.com/boudoir/video

I walked in the SLC Fashion Stroll for designers Jordan Halversen and Danny Nappi and Misc Boutique.

I modeled for the cover of City Weekly for the first time.

I did my second SLAM with Plan-B theatre company and this one I especially enjoyed because I had such a hilarious piece written by Matthew Ivan Bennett.
It was so much fun that I wished there had been another opportunity to perform it. Or perhaps put this one on film in the future.

Had some great gigs through my agency, TMG.

Workshopped a couple projects with Plan - B.

Recorded a couple radio sketches with Matt Bennett and Jay Perry.

Did the Plan-B reading of "A Doll House"

Modeled Krista Nielson swimsuits in Fashion Night Out, runway at the Gallivan Center.

Modeled with my baby dog, Noodles for the upcoming Pinups for Pups calendar!

"A Man Enters". The world premiere of this play at SLAC went so well we even extended a week! I loved my cast and performing this piece, playing Dana who I liked to think of as a glamourous hippie.

I modeled for the cover of The Mix of the Salt Lake Tribune in beautiful dresses from Whimsy Boutique.

PERSONAL
The ten year anniversary of September 11th came this year, and I dealt with some feelings I'd been ignoring for quite some time. I also got to talk to one of my dearest friends who I rarely see anymore, but was with that night. I blogged it all.
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

I saw old friends who I don't see much of now because we no longer live close by or life just gets in the way of getting together. I made new friends who became surprisingly close. I also grew closer with existing friends who I found have the ability to make my very soul happy. These are the people to keep connected to.

I had one of my favorite Halloweens ever. And by Halloween you know I don't just mean the day itself, but a total of three huge celebrations. 'Tis the season!

This also happened to be my year that I began down a new path of spirituality. Synchronicity led me to discovering Shirley MacLaine, reading "I'm Over All That", "The Camino", "The Pilgrimage", "Sage-ing while Age-ing", and "Many Lives, Many Masters". My life has significantly changed and is continuing to. For the first time in my whole life I have a spiritual path with a name (I never thought I'd want that). I've never felt more comfort or wanted to learn more about what I've only just begun to discover.

I have my first item for my bucket list. To walk The Camino. While I didn't get to this year, I am not concerned. I now know that "it is a privilege to be called to The Camino" and I am certain I'll find myself on it exactly when I'm supposed to be.

I branched out physically. Instead of just zumba I incorporated the gym itself. I never knew how much I'd love weights and machines and how much I need working out, for every aspect. Mental, emotional, physical, etc. It's all tied together and if I miss a couple of days the difference is huge.

We all know I have had my hair every color and every length over the last, well, nearly 15 years. But this year I found my favorite shade of red to date and have felt most like myself. Thank you, Steven Robertson!

I went shampoo free and decided to wash my hair significantly less. It simply doesn't need it. It's been nearly a month and so far, so good!
http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/

I changed my skincare routine the end of the year. Thanks to Amanda Mahoney for letting me borrow "The Skin Type Solution" by Leslie Baumann, MD I learned I was still doing things wrong for my particular skin. I have struggled for years. Two rounds of accutane were expensive and hard on me. I try very hard with my sensitive skin to make it look as good as possible. But you can imagine my surprise after taking this test to learn that the current over the counter products I was using were exactly the opposite of what I should be using? I learned about new products I didn't even know existed, ordered them, and guess what? So far, so good. My dry skin has never looked better! I strongly recommend giving this book a try.

I went to NYC twice this year! I saw "Spider-Man" twice, "War Horse", "Godspell", and "Venus in Fur". How one person could see such incredible theatre all in the same year is beyond me. I feel so lucky to have seen each one of these. Each one was absolutely stunning and fantastic for many different reasons and I leave so inspired I could burst. "Venus in Fur" is my dream role. I need to play Vanda. Not just want, it's a need.

I also got to meet Reeve Carney, my biggest celebrity crush. A boy in band, a rockstar, cast as Peter Parker in a "Spider-Man" musical on Broadway? And he looks like that? If I made up what my ideal celeb crush would be and described his appearance, you'd have Reeve. And guess what? He's super freaking nice.

There were also a few scary family moments this year. With my uncle and my grandma, both on my moms side. It was an eye opener and a reminder for how much family matters.

The biggest lessons I have earned this year:
1.) Things will happen and you will feel nothing like you expected. It will be completely different from what you've imagined it to be like in your head.
2.) That timing can be ironic and you'll feel it's completely unfair and impossible but that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
3.) No matter how old you are you still need your momma and your daddy.
4.) It's about what you do have, not what you don't have.
5.) If not now, when? You are never ready for profound life changes. But you don't always get to decide when things are going to happen.
6.) I heard the words accept and allow for the first time. Really heard them. It's life changing. I don't always remember this, but I'm learning and applying.
7.) It's okay to feel exactly how you feel about something, anything.
8.) We really are all one.
9.) We decide how time passes. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. Be in charge of your time, don't let time control you.
10.) Don't be in a hurry. Throw out the checklist. Life is long. There is so much more to go.
11.) We create our own reality.

Here's to a new year, the unknown adventures and learning that await us all!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

The Definition of Deena.

2011-12-27T14:29:00.003-07:00

If you could look me up in the dictionary, this is what you'd find.

Deena, Noun :

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Christmas, 2011

2011-12-25T15:49:00.008-07:00

Among my favorite gifts today were an iPod touch, a Dwight K. Schrute bobble head, a sweater I've been wanting from Urban Outfitters and a big candy unicorn horn. Last night's favorites were a Legend of Zelda bag and a canvas painting of my dog.

I love Christmas eve. It's fun and feels special and you know there is still more to come. Christmas morning is always a little cozy, a little magical and a little anticlimactic. Because when the day is over, then what? There's that awkward week in between leading up to New Years Eve then when January 1st hits it's back to real life and the cozy magical time is over and it's time to get back to work. And usually with a burst of extra vim and vigor. Christmas day begins the reflection for me, and I already start thinking of what I'd like to take with me into the New Year. I will write a lengthier blog wrapping up this year but for now there are a few things I'm going to be mulling over and trying to apply starting now and into 2012.

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Rick Perry - STRONG

2011-12-21T18:08:00.002-07:00

Rick Perry? He's got nothin' on Little Miss Honey Bee!

True Calling

2011-12-11T09:50:00.001-07:00

Saying yes to your true calling gives way to the power to bring your ultimate success to life. You no longer waste precious time and energy on things that are not of utmost importance to you. Rather, you awaken the wealth that lies within you and easily find ways to share your greatest gifts with the world!" ~ Marsh Engle

I cried at "Breaking Dawn" and I'm not ashamed!

2011-12-07T18:17:00.011-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm either a teenage boy trapped in a chick's body or a gay man. A really fabulous gay man.

I don't cook.
I don't clean.
I don't decorate.
I don't make crafts.
I don't like kids (unless they're related to me or an offspring of a VERY close friend).
I like to shop by myself, super fast. Or order online.

Okay so it's looking more like teenage boy.

It doesn't even dawn on me to do things most girls do.
Not to mention...

I laugh at fart jokes.
I make too many fart jokes.
I think most chicks are crazy.
I have more dude friends than chick friends.
I love video games.
I love superheros.
I swear like a sailor.

But I do like coffee dates, lunch dates, fashion, dressing up, and Twilight.

Okay so now it's looking more like fabulous gay man.

The moral of this story is that a week or so ago I had one of those emotional reactions that only my fellow females will understand. I went to see "Breaking Dawn" and I cried pretty much through the whole thing as I ate my ice cream. Seriously. Only chicks will get this, when I ask what happened to Kristen Stewart? How was she actually so good in this one? She didn't twitch or fidget and she looked gorgeous. Girlfriend is growing up. It was totally Bella's movie. You could feel everything she felt. Her walk down the aisle. How nerve racking it is until you see your dude standing at the other end. The way she was looking at herself in the mirror before she finally got to knock the boots with Edward, the way she looked at herself after that milestone. I seriously liked it. I can't wait to go again.

And even though I'm not ashamed to admit how much I love Twilight, that even when it's so bad it's still good, you know I like to poke fun at...well...most everything. So here you go. My reenactment / summary of my Breaking Dawn experience in 2 minutes.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-357-15105-deena-marie-watching-breaking-dawn.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

My New York Diaries - Update

2011-11-29T16:45:00.004-07:00

Oh my! It's been almost exactly two months since my last post! The show I am in ends on December 11th and then I'm heading out of town. To New York, in fact! I then plan to take the rest of the month easy and enjoy the holidays before January comes and I have to crack down on memorizing my next script. I do, however, plan to take the time to finish my New York Diaries. Yup. Finish.

This is a project VERY close to my heart that I started at the beginning of June and is described at the top of each entry like this.

"I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!"

As it gets time to get back into this and wrap it up I want to make sure anyone out there who is reading is caught up. Or anyone who wasn't aware and wants to read, is now made aware.

After I wrap up my story, the final entry will be a "where are they now". I'm also debating about adding photos and the best way to do that, since names are changed. Blurred faces? Just as they are? Or none at all to keep it all a mystery?

Then? Slowly, over time, I attempt putting this together in book form. Any tips on doing that are welcome. Here are the links in order to where we are so far. My blog isn't letting them show up if I make them clickable so sorry for the copy & paste. Anyone out there know why or how to fix that, please let me know!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

Hey! I have eyes, too!

2011-11-28T11:03:00.009-07:00

I'm sooooo sick of reading stuff like this:

"Men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding."

I don't agree. This does NOT apply to every woman (men, I can't speak on your behalf). I don't feel like this is the norm that I've necessarily experienced or even observed.

Sure, I may be a taken woman but I have eyes.

Trust me when I tell you that women are JUST as visual as men. I can certainly appreciate the following and if in a fantasy land I certainly DON'T need them to reach an emotional understanding with me.

Better yet, they don't even need to TALK. :)

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

I flew!

2011-11-24T11:00:00.008-07:00

Last night I had my first flying dream! At least as I think it was my first. If I've had one before, I can't remember it. Just a week or two ago I was talking about dreams in the dressing room at the theatre with the other two girls in the cast. When they mentioned flying dreams I said I'd never had one, and wished that I would.

I'm into dreams. I'm into the meaning of dreams.

I have the same dreams. As in I'll get into a cycle with a recurring theme and then after I've dreamt that a few times it will be something else. I first noticed it with the apocalyptic dreams, then it was water. I always dream about my dog. And sometimes a terrible dream about my dog in water. Sometimes I know exactly where they stem from, and sometimes I have no idea but it makes such an impact on me that I know it must mean / represent something.

Like my dog sinking in water. Usually in a bathtub, not being able to swim, just sinking. What is that?!

When I dream out of the "cycle", when something breaks the norm it's usually very vivid and I think about it for days and again, I am curious as to what it means and why I thought it up.

Before this play opened, I dreamt of my childhood home. It was my old porch, my old backyard and round tables were set up for all of my family to sit at and eat. It was a reunion or a party of some kind. It was a sunny day. I think I was in a long dress. I don't remember who exactly was there, other than I knew it was family. I was also there as a baby, around 1 year old. I was in a fuzzy yellow onesie that I've seen myself in, in pictures in my moms photo album. It wasn't supposed to be another baby, it was me. But nobody seemed weirded out by that. I got to meet me, and spent most of the party carrying me around. I could feel the baby me so realistically. I was heavy. I could feel the texture of the onesie. I loved and cared for this little baby me.

I am pretty sure of why I dreamt this one. It was a combination of things in my life and lines in the play. Family was weighing heavy on my mind, what with what's going on in my real life and doing a play all about a family. But I do wonder if there is deeper meaning because it was me. My inner child? Something that needs extra care right now? I'm not sure.

The next big dream after that was running from a tiger who was eating everyone in it's path. It wasn't bloody, it wasn't gory. I just knew it was happening. I kept climbing up high but the tiger could climb too. One of the actresses in the show brought me her dream dictionary and there were a few things it could have meant. One being ego! I just don't know.

Then last night I finally got to fly. It was outside, it was day time and I think I was near a beach. My Sweetheart was a part of this one. He stood behind me and I told him to hold on. I went to spread my arms like wings, and stuck out my right arm. He hugged around my shoulders, my left arm was still pinned to my side. I told him to hold me lower, so I could "use my wings", or something along those lines, even though I didn't actually have wings.

Then we flew.

I think there were moments he was in control, too, but then I took over completely and told him I could do tricks. It was fun and I could go high, dip down low, twist, etc. I began to realize while we were flying what I was doing, and I couldn't believe I was just finding out I had this ability. In my dream I had a plane ticket somewhere, across a sea, and I said if I could do this (and I could fly fairly fast) then I would be able to cancel my plane ticket because I was pretty sure I could make it the distance across the sea...

Right now I think this dream represents one big freeing sigh of relief. I feel that I'm learning so much lately and after some ebbs and flows with what I feel I should be doing, where I should be in my life, my creativity, my relationships, my family, I'm getting into a spot where I feel such gratitude my eyes tear up when I think about what I DO have. I feel things shifting and settling and happening all around me and I feel good. I feel things have cleared the way to show me what is right. There are no coincidences. Things change so quickly in a life. I feel things are moving to show me what is important. I feel my focus has done a 180 and it's suddenly become about what IS, not what ISN'T. Another ever so tiny step toward a higher consciousness, you might say.

Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty.You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
- Rumi

20 Things I currently LOVE.

2011-11-20T21:44:00.008-07:00

Things I currently love.

1.) Turkey Lasagna.
My dad bought one for us from Costco a few months ago and I was scared of the turkey-instead-of-beef part. I haven't had beef, pork or sea food in over a decade and even chicken and turkey can make me a little nervous. I am not food adventurous. I like what I like. I eat like a five year old. I could live on pizza and bean burritos. Oh and pickles. And candy. But when I tried it? New favorite! Now we eat them as much as humanely possible.

2.) Eggnog Lattes.
'Tis the season! Is it just me, or did starbucks get them early this year? Every year my friend and I have a contest to see who can drink more. Last year I doubled her number with my 30 nogs. So far this year I am at 9 she is at 6. Who will win? The anticipation.

3.) The stage.
We have extended the run of "A Man Enters" at SLAC which is rare and exciting and I couldn't be having a better time. Acting is a constant state of learning and growing no matter where you are in your career or what you've done. The stage is my safe, sacred space.

4.) My family.
The timing of family members getting sick couldn't be worse. It sure starts making you face and think of things you didn't think you'd have to anytime soon. It also puts things into perspective and surprises the hell out of you.

5.) Reading.
When winter comes and it gets cold out I hibernate. I just want to stay inside in my jammies, cuddle my pup and read. I love ordering my books from Amazon. I get excited when they get here. I just can't switch to a kindle yet, I just can't.

6.) Working out.
I can't believe how regularly I've been working out for over a year now. It really has changed my life and I can't believe what it does for me mentally. Especially in winter. What a mood booster. All ya'll should do it for your mental health alone.

7.) New Adventures.
There are both career adventures and family adventures I'm excited for in the near future and ready to make happen.

8.) Not expecting.
Don't set yourself up to fail or set yourself up to be let down. It's not fair to you and the other person or situation. Just accept, allow and surrender. It's all unfolding as it should.

9.) Reeve Carney.
What can I say? I'm still in awe of his beauty and talent. Now he's dating Ashley Greene so she is now (sorry Ashley) on my people to punch in the face list ;)

10.) Wax Tailor.
Try the Wax Tailor station on pandora. It hasn't let me down yet.

11.) Being me.
Just being myself regardless of what anyone will think, or do, or expect of me.

12.) Gin.
And I thought vodka was my favorite?

13.) Beavis and Butt-head
Oh lord, I am SO happy they're back. Butt-head has always been my favorite.

14.) Photo shoots & runway.
Always have, always will. I'm very aware that time is fleeting and one day I won't be asked to do such fun things.

15.) Gratitude.
I'm learning more than ever before that being grateful for what you do have is the name of the game.

16.) Making time.
Making time to do what you want, what nourishes your soul. Shirley MacLaine says we decide how time passes. It's so true. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. What a difference it makes when you're a little more aware rather than letting time control you.

17.) Quotes.
This isn't a new love, but it is such a gift when you find one or more that fit you at an exact moment and give you comfort every time you think of them.

18.) The Crucible.
I'm beginning to think that "The Crucible" might end up being "the one that got away". I've had several brushes with this show. My senior year of high school we put this on and I'll never forget my drama teacher taking me out into the hall and in a very upset tone, telling me that I, "really messed up The Crucible...big time!" When I chose to take the lead in "Cinderella" in a theater outside of school, he gave me a small role instead of a lead. I was okay with my decision, and looking back on it I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But it was a show that went on my dream list. I was recently up for it out of town and now it's coming up for the first time at a local theater. I'm already booked during this time and it's a theatre that rarely gives AEA contracts, unfortunately. But I can't wait to see it. I saw it on Broadway and I love the movie. It will always be a special one.

19.) Complimenting.
It doesn't take anything away from you to give a compliment, and it's not about keeping score. If you like what somebody did on stage, tell them so. You never know how it can make their day, and yours as well. We don't support and encourage each other enough. Cattiness and/or keeping yourself contained can be bad for both ends.

20.) The New Girl.
Zooey has the best hair. And this is definitely the best new series.

tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: Facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

Thanks for reading! :)

Loving your loved ones.

2011-11-04T10:02:00.013-06:00

Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.

I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get.

I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.

I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.

I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.

I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.

This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.

In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.

I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say this...in fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.

Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.

It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.

What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.

This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.

With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.

I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.

There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.

There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)

That's it.

Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

"What you seek is seeking you"

2011-10-20T01:13:00.001-06:00

"What you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

The following is copied and pasted from:
http://lessonsinlawofattraction.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-you-are-seeking-is-also-seeking.html

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Personal experiences?

* * * * * * * * * *

What You Are Seeking is Also Seeking You

Stop searching. Stop trying.

What you are seeking is seeking you. If what you are seeking is in alignment with who you are and what you truly desire (versus what you think you "should" be after in life), the universe will align itself in service to what you want.

So what does this mean?

1) You can stop the pain staking struggle to "get it right". The illusion that something is "out there" that you need to get or find keeps you in a state of scarcity. With scarcity, there is the idea that something may not happen. You may not find the answer. You may miss the golden opportunity. This is a story. And the story is fed by the very notion that you have to seek something out.

2) The universe wants you to succeed. That's right! If what you are seeking is also seeking you, it's safe to say that things are lined up in service to making what you want happen.
Welcome this paradigm. The universe actually is designed to help you create what you want because it rejoices in your joy and abundance! Joy and health are your birthright.

3) You already are in alignment. Because you are another expression of the life force that the universe is comprised of, you are naturally connected to the very essence of the life giving source. Actually, you are the life giving source. As such, you are meant to succeed. As such, you are already connected to that which will enable you to know what you desire. You don't need to try, you just need to allow yourself to become what is true for you and receive. You need to realize this truth and then act as if so that you let that which you are seeking come to you. It wants to. Let it!

So what can you do instead of searching and trying?

1) Relax.
2) Trust.
3) Affirm.
4) Open.
5) Recieve.

BRB

2011-10-16T12:21:00.005-06:00

Oh my goodness I was on such a roll with "My New York Diaries" and then rehearsals began. When I'm rehearsing my brain is completely full. I'll get back to them when I can.

Week #2 of rehearsals complete! Halfway. Got the flu. Ick. Cancelled all weekend plans to stay in and rest up.

Joined Pinterest. IN LOVE. I have gathered quite the collection of photos over the last couple of years and it's the perfect place to have them all uploaded, organized and not cluttering up my desktop.

http://pinterest.com/thedeenashow/

Join me! I've got great boards such as: Dreamboats, The Army I'm building, Creepies & Cuties, My Entourage, Sweetie Treaties and a zillion others.

BRB!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dead...but not dead.

2011-10-05T21:12:00.010-06:00

"Undead. Dead...but not dead."

by one of my favorite artists, Natalie Shau

I've started rehearsals for my next play, today is day three. This play is so layered, so rich. Really beautiful. Yesterday a line jumped out at me and I've been pondering it since. In a nutshell, the play takes place over one afternoon/evening where a family is getting ready to throw a party for their grandma and they speculate if the father the two adult children haven't seen in twenty years will be there. I play the wife to the son. In a series of scenes that are both real time as well as fantasies, we get many different glimpses into the versions of their father as they imagine him to be now and what it would be like to confront/rekindle/ask their questions/tell him how they feel.

In one scene he is imagined in a vampire costume and when asked if he's dead he replies, "undead. Dead but not dead." When this line was discussed there were so many meanings and all seemed very much correct. He's in the vampire getup to be imagined as looking foolish/because he's sucked the life out of the family/because he's had the life sucked out of him/etc. There was much more but I can't remember them all. What struck me, was the fact that I'd literally just described losing a person (and not because they've actually died) in your life as a death.

Obviously as I've been writing my "New York Diaries" I've had a lot resurface through the last few months. I've slowly begun to learn more about why I was attached to people I was attached to, what role September 11th played, what has changed over the last decade and surprisingly what hasn't changed. I consider blogging about it the bare bones, the timeline. Expanding it into a book will be a different beast. But right now what I can say is that obviously it was the time of greatest impact...yet it's a time I'm so far away from. When I write it, I feel as though I'm living two timelines at once. They're almost happening to me simultaneously, viscerally, yet I can't go back to those places or talk to so many of those people.

It's almost a mind fuck as I work on the NY Diaries project. I know they're out there, they're just no longer a part of my life. I can only speculate what life is for them now. I can remember, I can romanticize but I can't pick up a phone or send a message or bump into them on the street. So very much as the characters do in this particular play, I can only imagine my versions of those I once knew, and what it would be like to run into them now.

It's like some of those people who seem so alive in my story are the undead. They're dead but not dead. They can't be here, but they're out there. Very much alive, but not able to be...or maybe even meant to be in my life. Bitter sweet. Life is so funny. It's amazing that whatever you're going through at any given moment will shape both what you hear and the way you interpret.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Natalie Dee. You're welcome.

2011-10-02T19:51:00.002-06:00

So funny. Thanks to my friend Nell who introduced her to me at the beginning of the year. If you haven't seen her comics before, I suggest you take a look: nataliedee.com

My New York Diaries - Part 31

2011-10-01T17:26:00.004-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 30

2011-09-30T22:43:00.002-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 29

2011-09-29T11:23:00.006-06:00

Remember remember the end of September...in pictures.

2011-09-28T10:02:00.003-06:00

Photo shoot yesterday with Laurens Photogrpahy. Find her on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Laurens-Photography/187329591315640

Updated headshots...

My New York Diaries - Part 28

2011-09-27T22:03:00.009-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 27

2011-09-26T19:15:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 26

2011-09-25T12:12:00.005-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 25

2011-09-23T10:39:00.015-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 24

2011-09-22T16:31:00.007-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 23

2011-09-21T10:19:00.020-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 22

2011-09-20T15:00:00.009-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 21

2011-09-19T13:03:00.003-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 20

2011-09-14T10:49:00.007-06:00

Missoni for Target

2011-09-13T14:43:00.013-06:00

* * * * * * * * *

9/14/2011 This just in! I went back to Target and was able to grab the last of it. The site is mostly out of stock! Finally got some items in accessories, beauty and more womens clothing. Now I think I've got more than enough. I've listed five amazing sold out items on Ebay! Find me there under shopdeenamarie and bid or share the links with your family / friends who might want it! Thanks!

* * * * * * * * *

I. Love. Missoni.

Somehow I only found out that Missoni for Target was coming today...late last night! Great, I thought. I'll go! I started getting ready around 10 am, thinking if I got there by even 11 that would be plenty of time. Uh...BARELY!

I walked in to nearly empty racks. Ladies hovering around as an employee was trying to hang up the few things that were left. She could hardly put anything on the rack without it being grabbed immediately. Some of these ladies already had carts full of the stuff. I managed to grab a few pieces to try on.

I went to accessories next only to see that all that was left was a single scarf.

There were shoes that I liked, but ultimately decided to pass on those.

The sleepwear was great, and I'm surprised more of it wasn't gone.

As I checked out, the cashier said they'd opened at 8 and people had waited outside! Oh!

I went to another target, this time starting at accessories. There was one item again. A pair of gloves and they were beautiful. My mom bought them! We looked at the home goods and I bought a mug for her and a pair of martini glasses for me.

We went to the mens department and they still had a couple of great cardigans and scarfs left. I grabbed a cardigan for my sweetheart and we headed over to the womens. Even less!

I'm happy I got what I did! I didn't expect people to go so crazy for it in SLC, who knew?

It was the line I was most excited to hear was coming to Target & apparently I'm not the only one.

The Target site has been down all day, so I decided to check ebay and there are already tons of items up...and selling for much more than I just paid for them at the store. I had a split second of considering putting them up there...but I couldn't bear to part with them.

My first Missoni pieces! It's a big day :)

My new sweater skirt:

My sweater. This is my fav:

Missoni Martini:

Men's Missoni:

Gloves my mom got:

My New York Diaries - Part 19

2011-09-12T12:27:00.024-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 18, SEPTEMBER 11

2011-09-11T10:53:00.023-06:00

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Isn't it funny that a few months ago I started the process of recalling, re-reading and writing my "New York Diaries" and here we are, caught up to September 11, 2001 exactly 10 years to the date?

I have a very strong and what I've always felt was a very strange reaction to the events of September 11th. Now that I'm no longer living in NYC, when someone brings it up here at home my stomach drops. My first reaction is wanting to say, "but you weren't even there!" And my second reaction is catching myself and telling myself how dare I think I have any kind of a story to contribute when nothing directly affected me. I didn't lose a parent, friend, sibling or spouse. I wasn't injured. I didn't lose a job. I didn't loose my life.

But I still have a visceral reaction to it.

Back then I don't think I knew what to make of it or how to process it. I'm learning I still don't. I've also recently realized (as in within the last few days) that my story is one to share, and that it's okay for me to talk about. It's okay to say I was there. It's okay to have had my experience. It's okay for someone who was not there to be affected by it. Because it did happen to me, just like it did happen to you.

It happened to the world.

I've been sick with a terrible cold all week. Last night I stopped by a party because otherwise I would have been alone most of the evening. I was torn. With this weekend being what it is, I didn't want to be alone...and yet I didn't want to go because I was worried people would be talking about it. I didn't want anyone to say "Deena was there!" Especially because it's taken a decade to get to this particular weekend and I'm feeling even more strange and emotional then I'd thought I would. I feel so far away and yet so close to it all. So much safer and yet so much more aware that the unexpected could happen at any moment.

"Take a minute to remember where you were on September eleventh", they kept saying on tv the other night. I couldn't stand it. Are you kidding me? I can remember that day and the days to follow very clearly, thank you. The phone calls home, the empty streets and the smells are burned into my memory forever (more on that in a minute). But I did take a minute to soak in the fact that 10 years have passed. I'm a decade older and look at all that's happened since then.

I went to bed last night slightly nervous and anticipating how I'd feel waking up today. I just wanted to get to today and get through it. I woke up under very different circumstances then I did 10 years ago. I woke up in my cozy home with my sweetheart and my puppy excited and whimpering. I've made a pot of coffee, I've gotten on my computer to write this. The first thoughts that went through my head, though, were the ones about the way I woke up on this day one decade ago.

I had been out late the night before and didn't have anything to do other than sleep in. Cozy in my new room in my Manhattan apartment, at last! It was small but it was furnished to the best of my abilities. My futon in one corner, a little shelf next to my new bamboo dresser with my tiny tv on top. A rug, a comfy black char and on the top of the chair was my nokia cell phone with a baby blue cover. It lived on top of the chair at night, so that I could have it plugged into the outlet behind the chair. No alarm needed to be set and I was in a deep sleep. Probably a little hungover. I don't know. I wish I could remember where I was the night before.

I was somewhat aware that my phone was ringing all through the morning. I figured it was my mom or a friend, wondered why they were calling so early and would drift back to sleep. Then it started to seem a little strange. Who is calling me this much? What's going on? I got up and had messages from parents and friends but for some reason the only one I can remember was from Rachel. I remember her saying the words, "you must be so scared right now". I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I wondered what in the world had happened, so I turned on my little tv on top of my new dresser to see if it was something I'd be able to learn about on the news.

There was the footage of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. "What a horrible accident", I thought. I couldn't believe the odds. How could these planes have accidentally flown into buildings like this? But then it all began to unfold.

My parents didn't know where I was in relation to where this was happening. I think I started right then to do all I could to make it not about me. "No, no, no, this is way downtown. I'm on 44th street. Nowhere near it. This won't affect me."

I don't know if I talked to The Guy, I must have, but I don't remember what was said.

At some point Jenny got into the city from where she was now living in Queens. She was supposed to show up at work but when she got there the restaurant wasn't going to be opened so she came over. We were together the entire day. When I think of that day I think of Jenny. Once again, what would I have done without her?

We watched tv all day and weren't sure what this meant or what NYC was going to be like. That night, the next day, this week, this month. I don't know how far ahead I thought back then. The younger you are the more immediate everything is. What did this all mean? Why were things closing? Could I take the subway? Could I leave on a plane if I had to? What should I do? How should I feel?

My roommate, Liz, the one who owned the apartment worked down there. She came home late that night having had to walk most of the way covered from head to toe in a white soot. I remember she was going to go out and drink and invited us, but that just felt too weird.

Jenny and I felt like we had to do something. Should we get dinner? Should we see if we could donate blood? We were going to have to walk it. I'll never forget that walk. It was nothing short of eerie. The streets were empty. No cars, maybe a person here and there. Everything was closed. Where was everyone?

It turned out we couldn't donate because there were more than enough volunteers. We went back to my apartment.

It was almost too much to take in. I don't know if I was as scared on that day as I was baffled and putting on my bravest face.

In my NYC journals, I've got an entry on August 19 and then it skips to Sept 12. On the 12th it's a paragraph that must have been taken from a movie or a play, I'm not sure where it's from. Friday Sept. 14 is the next real entry I've got.

I may not remember what happened on exact dates right after, but I do remember my growing fear. For what seemed like a long time after, even Times Square was nearly empty. What had happened to this magical city I'd wanted to move to since I was 9 years old? Where was everyone? What was this invisible, somber veil that had fallen over my new home? Was it going to be like this forever? Everyone was scared. There was talk on tv about subways being bombed. Did I even dare ride it right now?

A night or two after the attack, there was going to be a candlelight vigil at Union Square and I was going to meet The Guy. I had to hop on the subway and what was a short ride seemed too long for comfort to me. I was alone, I was underground and felt claustrophobic. I was shaking and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

When I got out near 14th street, this was the closest to the towers I'd been since it happened. I was searching for The Guy in a crowd of people, still shaking and heart still pounding. I can feel it all again as I type this.

He was a lot calmer than I was. He seemed to be surprised I was as upset as I was. There was something in the air. I didn't want to stay there long. It was burning my eyes. And that smell. I'll never forget that smell. The only way I've ever been able to describe it...is it smelled like death. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to breathe it in.

I was going to post the Sept. 14th entry but as I re-read it, it's so intimate I think I'm going to keep it just for me. I will tell you a little about it, however. I write about knowing I should be documenting what's happening "for my future grandchildren". But I really don't write about it. I've always been this way. When something is so big, I often don't take the time to feel the impact or deal with it until much later. It's my protection, my defense. I do write about finally being able to stay with The Guy in the "midst of so much chaos" and how it was so nice to shut ourselves off, just for a night, "in the middle of what could be a war". That night I felt "protected, shut away in another world". The next afternoon, "we slept on and off. We were tightly wrapped and intertwined, tossing and turning occasionally but always finding each other. Always holding each other. My heart was pounding.".

As I look back on all of this, I see that where I might not have had the words of comfort I'd been looking for from him, I was grateful to have a person to be with right then. That maybe actions did speak a little louder than words and I don't know what I would have done without having someone to just hold me.

I have come to learn over the years that 9/11 did have a greater impact on me than I knew. It made me experience a fear I'd never known. It changed everything about the joy I'd had in flying and my airport experiences as I'd travel back and forth from NYC to SLC. I used to love it. Then I hated it. I still do.

I remember after I'd left NYC and moved home seeing a special on 9/11 some years later and as they explained step by step and showed in animation what happened exactly to the buildings as the planes hit. It was the zillionth time I'd seen it. I felt like I'd never escape the footage in the years right after. But this time, I tried to really listen. I truly tried to let it sink in and I let out some emotion for the first time.

I didn't know I had any to let out still, until this 10 year anniversary weekend approached. I have felt a tidal wave of emotion just under the surface. I've kept in under control but I'm pretty sure there will be tears at some point today. It's just too big. It's just too much. I know it will come out at some point. Maybe when I talk to Jenny via phone later.

I see now how this part fits into the tale of "My NYC Diaries" and perhaps explains a lot I didn't even know until a decade had gone by, until I'd grown up a little and gained some perspective. All this time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel impacted by 9/11. But I see now this was a part of my story, something that happened in not only my lifetime, but the most impressionable time in my life and in the very city I was living in. I see why Jenny was and is so special to me and why I was so attached to The Guy.

It's a lot. It's a lot to take in.

It's a piecing together of the puzzle of my life and what has made me me. Why I react the way I do and that it's okay to feel how I feel. What would it have been like if it would have happened now? Or in ten years from now? Or twenty? Or if I had been five? Or if I hadn't been in NYC? Would I have been impacted differently? Absolutely. But the fact that I was where I was when I was makes it my story.

I'm not sure how to end this post, other than to tell you this was just the cathartic thing I needed. It's taken me ten years to be ready to share it and to realize as I said in the beginning that it happened to the world. That while it happened to people in varying degrees, some less and some far greater than I could ever imagine, that it happened to me too.

I was in the world when it happened and I have my own little story to tell.

It may not be the story you expected or the story you hear often. It's not a political story, but a coming of age story. A little slice of life. And it's mine.

And there you have it.

* * * * * *

In July of this year when I went to NYC I went to see the construction where the towers once stood. It was dark and you couldn't get too close, but I did manage to get this picture...

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html

My New York Diaries - Part 17

2011-09-10T11:10:00.007-06:00

My New York Diaries - Part 16

2011-09-08T16:30:00.003-06:00